Indrek Mesikepp

one night I sensed death
nothingness
and final darkness
after 35 years
for at least 24 of which
I had wanted to die
and twice tried to do myself in
but now
for the first time
it was depressing
not a way out
but a stifling certainty
it had Robbie Williams' face
Tina Turner's voice
it was sexandthecity
a pro patria union poster
it was everything
that I had never needed
that is annoying
and alien
now it was here
when all that is you
has gone
all that you are made of
the pulses and patterns of the brain
that make someone's me
that cell combination
close relations
attachments
those who no longer have time for you
all that you yourself have abandoned
treated as temporary
and then they are gone
irrevocably lost
darkness
emptiness
a Robbie Williams’ song
on someone's radio
between me and my
distanced life
not-life
that is death