TJ Dema
FIRST BORN LULLABY
FIRST BORN LULLABY
His girlfriend called me today
Name Lila, hair the colour of fire
Brown skin Jezebel whose profane name did ring a bell
Thick lipped I could sent her lack of manners
as easily as I’ve seen Indian henna
Imagined my palm cruise and bruise her cheek
but stopped for fear she’d lose his other seed
He’d come home that night bed-ready
Breath-heavy, forgotten what he’d asked just last night
That we wait and in every way he began to forget
That I and only I was to give him each and every heir
I could smell her hairspray as the water sprayed against him
I found that place on his shirt she had stained with rouge in our lives
Still I stayed, prayed that when he bought me candy
It meant we were going steady
When he brought me flowers
It meant tomorrow was ours
My girlfriends say I’m crazy for putting up with this
Playing mind games just because I’m waiting for his next kiss
Its not worth it, they keep telling me its not worth it
Worth it, because he threaded my eyes shut
When none of them would hear me speak
When they would not say that they believed me
My mind wishes to forget all this
But my heart keeps telling me that he’s a hit and miss
thing can’t afford to count life’s bruises
Crying over the last glass of spilt milk
Won’t show you where the juice is
I had already given him everything
Birthed his son and was often heard and seen
Bleeding lullabies as I leaned back to duck
Though never quite fast enough
To duck this man’s blows
I know you don’t understand
How could you possibly begin to see
That he was the kind of man
That made me forget
Where I was at
How I was going to build a new universe
Save myself if only through verse
Monday wrapped her fingers of blue
through every other day until he came through
I breathed his name like I was a part of this game
Where he’d said hi, stopped time
Until something changed
Because not everything stays the same
Some people crave love, not I
Not when I remember how Saturdays where the worst
Demon in a bottle, he would cuddle it
Like he was cursed
Protect it like mother hawk hovering over her nest
He wouldn’t eat, this man barely breathed
And in a senseless rage he would selfishly raid
The cookie jar and the fridge, disregarding our son’s needs
My son’s first lullaby
Was hearing his mother cry
As ribs cracked against her heart
He in womb, his father’s fist
Attempting to build him an early tomb
And my little one couldn’t grow up fast enough
To block his daddy’s blows
Maybe play music loud enough
To block out arguments about family woes
Now my son knows what he’s not supposed to
And I’ll not trade his innocence
For any kind of kiss
For any sort of passion
So why is it tonight I still find myself
Singing lullabies about how
Your daddy was the kind of man
That could make us forget
How we were going to build a new universe
Save you, my son and myself
If only through verse
But when he was gone
Monday wrapped her shades of blue
All finger like through every other day
Until he came through
We breathed his name like he was a part of this game
Where he’d said hi, stopped time
Till everything changed because nothing ever has to stay that way