Eugene Ostashevsky (Евгений Осташевский)
Remember the Cogito
Remember the Cogito
Now the Lord God said to DJ Spinoza,
Baruch, are you there?
And DJ Spinoza replied to the Lord God,
Here I am!
God: Baruch, how about you be my mirror?
DJ: Mirror? But God spelled backwards reads dog!
God: Don’t be so literal.
Tell me something nice
about myself, tell me I exist.
DJ: You exist.
God: No, say it like you mean it.
DJ: Why are you so needy today? Is everything alright?
God: I was just thinking: If I really am Absolutely Transcendent, then I don’t exist at all, do I?
DJ: But, Lord, remember the cogito: If you think you don’t exist, you
exist!
God: Yeah, I guess so.
(Silence.)
Now the Lord God said to DJ Spinoza,
Baruch!
And DJ Spinoza replied to the Lord God,
Here I am!
God: Are you sure? I mean, your argument, it’s not just verbal, is it? Does it really apply?
DJ: Inasmuch as anything applies.
God: But nothing really applies. Does the word dog apply to dogs? Ask yourself that.
DJ: Does the word dog apply to dogs?
God: Nu?
DJ: I can’t tell. Shall we test it? (DJ Spinoza walks over to Yasha.) Yasha! Yasha! (Yasha wakes up.) Yasha, dog! Dog, Yasha! Dog, Yasha, dog! (Yasha stares incomprehendingly.)
God: You see?